Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

   Draft beer, not people.

   Racism isn't taught. It's learned. The difference between the 2 is you learn from experience.

   Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

   As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

   I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

   Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

   Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant

   How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?

   Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

   Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

   I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

   If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated

   A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

   I'm not really concerned about swine flu. > Here's my concern. > > 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease. > 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. > This year, Chinese calendar year of

   wishes Jimmy Football was more like Billy Mays-DEAD!

   No, you can't not never ever use quadruple negatives. it's just bad grammer.

   The beatings will stop when morale improves.

   Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.