Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, does that make "I Do" the longest sentence?

   heard the Washington Bullets want to change their name to something not associated with crime. They're just gonna be called the Bullets.

   find that job you love and never work a day in your life

   Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.

   spends 90% of his salary on booze and women... the rest I just waste

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

   Guys are like roses. You've got to watch out for the pricks.

   Men are only as loyal as their options.

   my wife is so immature... I would be in the bath and she would come home and sink my boats

   Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

   It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

   You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   going to party like it's 2012.

   playing with a full deck.

   thinks we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash

   Gay People Should Have The Same Rights as Straight People, I Think They Should Get Their Own Public Toilets AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

   63 notifications later..i regret "liking" your status

   Fun fact: if you leave a bag of lettuce in the fridge long enough, it will turn into brown soup.

   got to live every week like it's shark week.