Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

   If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

   The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!

   Thankful for Mr. Austin Nichols...... you taught me that some people have faith, some have a strong will, but I have your Wild Turkey to get me through.

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   I went to Jared..............and then punched him in the belly for those stupid commercials

   next time someone with bad breath steps to you repeat the following.. " I dont mean to be mean but you need some listerine, not a sip not a swallow but the whole Damn bottle"..

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   i would like hippes to realize that it is NOT "all good."

   caught the chills while peeing.......thank goodness my wife bought these decorative bath towels

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."

   performing random acts of kindness today to totally mess with people

   Forget a dislike button, I'd rather have a 'This makes me want to punch you in the back of the head' button. Especially between now and tomorrow when 96% of you will have the exact same status. New Moon is out or reminding me it's Friday.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency

   An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   can finally watch the tv in the afternoon now. Oprah show is going off the air.

   hacked into Santa's computer,cleared the naughty list out..and has changed "coal" under Present List to "PS3""Wii" and "iphone".

   sales of gillete razors gone dwn, I bet you thierry henry's had a hand in that