Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST

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   I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...

   Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   Only great, awesome, wonderful people can read this. And only the truly gifted can actually comment on it!

   Apparently while handling guns in the hunting department at Walmart, it's not a good idea to ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

   I was about to put something very profound here, but I couldn't think of a thing...

   I was bored so I went to Walmart, Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” boy was that employee freaked out!!!

   Hasnt Slept since thursday night.....Id like to request a moment of silence for all the innocent Brain cells lost over the events of the last 48hrs, you will be greatly missed. kk time 4 sleep

   I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

   The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.They sent me Diana Ross

   Mickey Mouse is now 81 years old. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head.

   not spoiled...... I deserve all my stuff.

   lets play carpenter, first we get hammerd, then I nail you!

   wondering since Ben & Jerrys came out with Hubby Hubby ice cream for gays, when they gonna make Carpet Munch Crunch ice cream for all the hot lesbians?

   Extends his rear out to anyone who wants to see New Moon