Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   thinks people who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food.

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI

   I used to call my ex wife 'Treasure.' It wasnt because she was precious to me. It was because everybody kept asking where I dug her up from.

   I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to.

   the best things in life...involve rum!

   thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn

   dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL

   proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit them in the head with a brick.

   instant superhero, just add alcohol

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   Know what I love about my dogs? I can lock 'em in the trunk of my car for an hour, and when I open it, they're excited to see me. Can't do that with a wife...

   happier than Adam Lambert being dragged backwards through a cornfield

   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.