Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   What's the big deal with the 2 idiots that snuck in for a white house party for a couple hours? I can't turn on the news without seeing them. "W" pulled the same trick in 2000 and stayed for 8 years and he didn't get that kind of coverage!

   share love not herpes

   You can tell that this is a rough situation for Tiger Woods and that it has him really tee'd off. I hope he gets a grip soon and irons everything out.

   Hell hath no fury like a women with a nine iron.

   The best person to get directions from is a 1 legged man...he knows the fastest and quickest way to get anywhere.

   To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world

   Tiger Woods is officially black. His wife busted out his car windows with a golf club @ 3 am , & he clammed up when questioned by the police. Welcome back Tiger

   this message changes to Spanish as soon as you look away.

   Emo is to music, what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   used to hate going to the gynocologist. But now he's old and his fingers shake a little....

   X was here but now she's gone. She left her name to carry on. Those who knew her knew her well. Those who didn't can go to hell.

   Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.

   wondering when are guys gonna stop wearing their sisters faggety skinny jeans and wearing their hair in feminine haircuts?

   saving his breath, I need it to blow up my date

   farts with the sole purpose of making you smell better

   ... "No Prince Charming Riding Up On a White Horse Anymore", Girls are Done With All Those Pointless Fairy Tales. Now It's Time to Wait For Some Real MEN .... as Jacob The Werewolf and Edward The Vampire, hahah !!!

   Procrastination is like masturbation...if feels good while you're doing it but in the end you only f*cked yourself