Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark

   Where is the “good” in goodbye?

   If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!

   With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

   My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.

   Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes

   Life without friends is like boobs without nipples( )( ), just pointless!

   Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   whats an old man smell like?..... Depends

   Can't remember the name of the last girl she slept with. It's on the tip of my tongue.

   Christmas used to be the best when I believed in Santa Claus....i wanna be 15 again