Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For tomorrows bra forecast, its looking mostly black with a splash of peach moving in for the afternoon. Tomorrow night, it's all leopard skin, with lows in the matching thong.

   as my part of breast cancer awareness I will be giving "free mammograms"...

   ..if I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet ,i'll put shoes on my cats!

   happy to learn what bra color all my female friends are wearing today! I don't belive any of you...send pics just so I know your not lying to me....

   all I know is ANY other day ask a woman what color bra they're wearing and you get a dirty look. Make it for awareness and colors are flying like the gay pride parade.

   Yes guys the colors are bra colors they are wearing...it is for breast cancer awareness...Just tell them you give free mammograms or that NUDE is a color...HA

   hates shoving snow...is there an app for that?

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

   I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.

   Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

   It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

   It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

   Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

   All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

   happy to learn what bra color all my female friends are wearing today!

   was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   loves it when a parent only has pictures of their kids as profile pictures and none of themselves. You can never be too careful these days.

   accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update

   Someone came up to me and said "T.G.I.F. Thank god its Friday!" I replied "S.H.I.T. Sorry hun,it's Thursday."