Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in no mood for a smoke today!!

   .menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how most womens probIems begin with men?

   Aliens are coming to Earth on Monday to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye.

   the reason for your wet dream!

   holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   A teacher in a detriot kindergarden class asked the kids what sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled FREEZE MUTHAF**KA

   Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them

   Girls improve their looks not their mind, because they know guys are stupid, not blind.

   Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

   Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

   Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

   Future Quotes, Quotations & Sayings I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

   The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

   If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

   Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

   People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.