Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a justification for procrastination. Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.

   thinks that you can only be young once, but you can always be immature.

   "I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

   quotes, "The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change." ~ Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy)

   No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed

   ohhh I have 2 headaches, and being a guy I can only supply enough blood to one of them..... sigh

   The U.S. is always helping out other countries in their time of need, well I think its safe to say that the U.S. needs help....were's our relief funds?!

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   Two doctors are talking, one asks the other one "Can I borrow your Dictaphone" the other replied "No, you have to use your finger like everyone else!"

   "This page intentionally left blank" -phone bill, page 56

   just ate a Beefy 5 Layer Burrito at Taco Bell for lunch. A guy that works there gives them to me for $0.89 each. He must like me or something.

   Wants to help Haiiti since they helped us out so much during Katrina

   only took steroids for health purposes.

   if I can't be skinny....then please make all my friends fat!!

   for my next magic trick, I need a condom and a volunteer.

   stuck on band aids because band aids stick on me.

   I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   wondering when the hell did he become a morning person