Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates men that treat every woman with Bipolar, Stop being an a**hole in a crowd and being nice when you two are alone, just stop being a c*ck and tell her what you really want!"

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step....

   Mike Ahern took a viagra (it got got stuck in his neck now he has a stiff neck,) licked a smurf, ran over his cell phone in the dining room, talked to a banana and karate chopped his dog in the elevator. It's gonna be a looong day

   just discovered kittens DO NOT have removable parts..(if you do detach portions of your kitten you MUST replace the WHOLE kitten)....

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   thanks for being a sperm donor, deadbeat!

   wondering if maybe this planet is the dumping ground for all the other planets rif-raf.... celestial hell, if you would....kinda like Detroit is to us.

   Says she disagree with Kay Jewelers. She would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters.

   One thing I've learned: I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted, then used against me.

   Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn't it be interesting if..”; And then do it.

   well god already hates me cause I dint 4wrd mail to 25 friends of mine. I will never be a wealthy man cause I dint 4wrd another mail of happy wealth to another 25 friends.i will never get the love of my life cause I dint 4wrd love chain mail to another 2

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   I think Kayne West sould make an appearance on the Jay Leno Show and be like... "I'll let you get back to your show in a minute I just wanna say Conan O'brien has a much better show"

   who said that men can't multitask. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time.

   thinks if in this day and age Mary had a little lamb, the doctor would go, "Damn! another artificial insemination gone wrong, SOMEONE KEEP THE ANIMAL SPECIMENS IN ANOTHER FREEZER"!!!!

   There are two rules for success: #1. Don't tell all you know.

   Please please God, will you still love me if I don't forward the annoying chain e-mail I got to 25 of my friends?

   knows that your girlfriend is not taking piano classes on sundays

   just got the weather report, and yes, it is snowing in Hell right now, with patches of ice forming. Is that arrogant, entitled, snobby, noble, self-righteous, arrogant attitude back firing on you much, Coakley?