Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.

   thinking Scientists do it on the table... periodically

   ...was a child, she spoke as a child, thought as a child; when she grew up she put away childish things... But then she discovered FaceBook!

   gonna laugh 2 years from now when all of those people who thought the world was gonna end on Dec. 22, 2012 realize that they are still gonna have to go out and buy Christmas presents.....

   Just saw this on the back of a car: "My child is an honor student, but my president is a moron."

   I am starting my diet and exercise program next Monday – I am tired of looking like I ATE four children instead of like I HAVE four children…

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before she discovered Facebook...

   thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap.

   May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who ruins my day and may their arms be too short to scratch

   drinks beer to keep people employed

   starting to miss 80s and 90s music. Lil Wayne? Soulja Boy? Miley Cirus? Jonas Brothers?

   would like to congratulate the makers of her new facial cleanser for truth in advertising. They promised younger looking skin & they were right...I haven't had acne like this since high school.

   wondering why the head keeps falling off his John the Baptist bobble head?

   decided to eat healthy tonight. I heard walnuts are healthy so I think I'll add them to my brownies.

   has decided that TVs are only made for two things, football and porn. Both are actually very different, one is were sweaty men pile on top of each other and the other one is just football.

   knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...