Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's been scientifically proven that chocolate contains a shrinking ingredient. It shrinks your clothing!

   having a great day! Life is terrifi........i just crapped myself

   failure, is not falling down; but remaining where you have fallen.

   Excuse me, have you seen motivation? I seem to have lost all of mine.

   Chuch Norris once round house kicked a guy in the head so fast that his foot travled back in time and hit Amelia airheart in the face causing her to crash, and that's why they never found her

   Alcohol your like my abusive boyfriend, no matter how bad you kick my ass, I always go back to you the next day:)

   Two weeks 'til Groundhog Day, got all my shopping done, dug my hole and laid out the pine cones, all that's left is to decorate my branch and set the traps (Woo-Hoo) !!

   believes in "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" - quoting a military scholar

   a fever and the only prescription is...MORE COWBELL!!!

   Excuse but your status is showing

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   i think this will possibly be the best valentines day I have ever had... I can feel it in my icebox where my heart used to be

   Heidi Montag + Micheal Jackson = Amy Winehouse.

   Men are like scratch off tickets..... they usually end up being losers!!

   saving money on her cable by switching to facebook. They have sports statuses, drama statuses, Hollywood gossip statuses and current event statuses. Switch now and get calander statuses for free, you"ll never have to wonder what day it is again.

   for the first time in my adult life....i'm proud to be a Massachusettonian

   ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..

   Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die

   I was going to change my facebook password to "penis" but it was rejected. Not long enough.

   Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are.