Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard that A burger King in Florida will open next month that will serve BEER.... where you'll be able to get a whopper combo with a beer for 7.99....FINALLY A HAPPY MEAL FOR MEN!

   tired of people giving me a skewed or heart-wrenching fact, then asking me to post it as my status, THEN mysteriously having the clarvoyance to tell me what percent of people won't post it as their status. HONK if this annoys you!

   Happy 50th Birthday Bubble Wrap!!!!!

   Excuse me,God,but this fig leaf is much too small!

   wishes Brett would just go away. Favre, Favre away.

   I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   waiting for Congress to demand hearings on the $45M bailout and golden parachute for Conan O'Brien. Oh wait, we only do that for CEOs of large companies - my bad.

   its kinda hard for a gay guy to go to prison... what are you gonna scare him with?

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   going to go save the world.........its the only place with chocolate

   brought to you by Summers Eve. When your situation down south makes him breathe through his mouth.

   STOP EVERYTHING YOUR DOING!!! Think about me for 3 secs. 1.....2.....3.... You have just experienced the best 3 seconds of your life. You're Welcome!

   Got a problem? iI got a problem solver……and his name is revolver.

   Don't follow my footsteps I run into walls!

   Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.

   Your intelligence is my common sense.

   Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. …

   If the batteries in our T.V remote are dead … Why do we keep pushing the button until our fingers hurt ?

   Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a schizophrenic from behind a mirror.