Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   bored, so is considering dressing as the grim reaper and tapping on the windows of the local retirement home and waving to the residents for entertainment

   Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!

   Wants Febreeze to make a bacon scent and then I'll be on board... Mmmmm bacon house.

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   Says Anything you Can Do... I Can Do It Better!!!

   life is about kicking a$$ not kissing it!!!!!

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   im not conceited,im just simply aware if how sexy I am!!

   if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???

   helping people find Jesus, one funeral at a time...

   you can sleep with a blonde,you can sleep with a brunette, but you won't get any sleep with a redhead. ;)

   Gray hair is God's Graffiti.... Then the Big Guy's been scribbling all over my melon like a newbie gang initiate.

   's dad's bumper sticker says: I'm spending my kids inheritance...on her bail.

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   misses the way things were and is running out of ideas on how to get it back

   Welcome back, Sunday....it's nice to see you. Stay a while...don't be in such a rush to leave like your friends Friday and Saturday!

   Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.

   - I would quit drinking, but my father didn't raiser a quiter.

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?

   If Facebook is running slower than my brain before breakfast, they should probably fix the problem asap.