Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

   Bear Grylls would eat that

   Some Harvard guy said that acid would open our minds, pot wouldn't hurt us, and cocaine was benign.

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.~

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

   I'm goin to a pretty place now where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so....

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!

   There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   humans......the only creatures who would actually invent a bunch of machines that throw you around, call it an amusement park, and we actually wait in long lines and PAY to do it!

   You will never get sleep with a redhead because they are soulless gingers and will steal you away when you sleep

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!