Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never hit a man with glasses! A baseball bat does the job MUCH better!

   Kentucky man wins 128 million dollar lottery. Says he will share winnings with his wife and sister. Lucky woman!

   They said the baby looked like me. Until they turned him the right way up.

   Just started the all donut diet, or as I like to call it, Glazed Anatomy.

   If you're happy, don't ask questions. Isn't that right ?

   dont cry because it is 0ver....smile because it happened..!!

   thinks playing COD with a laggy internet connection, is way harder than giving birth.

   Note to self, when meeting uncle Jack at the airport never scream "Hi Jack!!" ..again

   - Oh Facebook, you go through more Design Changes than I go through Women.

   Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...

   Why did some make a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group on facebook??

   Friends teach you what you WANT to know. Enemies teach you what you NEED to know.

   I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

   There's a one-in six-billion chance that you'll find your soulmate. And that's if they're not dead

   Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

   No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

   Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

   Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember

   Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.

   Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader