Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password. FML.

   Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   The difference between superman and I. Superman has super vision ,I require supervision!

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.

   Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.

   The left can’t aim right.

   People identify as either Binary or Non-Binary. So even if they identify as Non-Binary, they are still binary.

   Let's go, Brandon!

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   Amazon Prime day is the equivalent to Scholastic Book Day when I was in school! Damn I'm old!

   We need gun control we almost lost Trump

   Welcome to social media! A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   Ear today. Gone tomorrow.

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.