Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   smoking crack with his pet monkey

   I think Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and run an advertisement with their new motto: I swear we can stop."

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   Earth is full. Go home.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

   Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

   Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

   The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

   Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

   Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

   I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

   Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

   Farmville......Fishville??? Are you serious??? Just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"......I'll be there:)

   Who was the best comedian/stage performer in the Bible? ANS: Samson. He brought the house down.

   Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world

   Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to see Him soon.

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead.