Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bummer: Just Found out that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle that came to my 6th Birthday was actually my Aunt!"

   withes that sometimes the Prince and the Slut would live happily ever after.. like in the movies.

   currently in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   is putting out an APB for a large orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 10 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-4SPRING if found.

   wondering if they sell over-priced bottles of water in Fiji called America?

   overheard a Younger Boy yell "Girls Got Cooties!" I Laughed, And then I threw him a Condom."

   I went into a drug store for preparation H, Sportscream for sore muscles, and toothpaste.The cashier asked how I was doing… I couldn't resist... I looked at her and said, As long as I don't get these three tubes mixed up I should be alright.

   A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"

   Sometimes you think a thought and just when you think that thought was not worth thinking then you think about it and after have thought the thought over will never think it again.

   -- I lost my watch earlier, I would have looked for it but I just didn't have the time......

   ☂ *~Everyone wants to be happy , Nobody wants to be in pain... But you can't have a rainbow without any rain~* ☂

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   my son Xander (5) got in trouble and sent to his room. He comes out a few minutes later and tried to bribe me into letting him out by give me a $1 bill. A lesser man would have succombed I tell you.....

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   seems to have replaced Sex with Food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   if drinking and driving is illegal, then why the hell do bars have a parking lot?

   disappointed that no matter how many times he bangs his head, he doesn't see any cartoon birds.

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!