Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sky News "Tree Falls On Bank" Does anyone happen to know what branch ?

   wondering if Shaq has my back, how come he never pays my cable bill?

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   Women like having four animals in the house: a jaguar in the driveway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskull to pay for it.

   wonders...if NASA sends a pregnant woman into space and gives birth...is the baby an alien?

   Gravity always gets me down...

   Don't try to understand everything.. because sometimes it is not meant to be understood... but rather to be accepted...

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   thinks life is pleasant, death is peacefull... it's the transition that is troublesome.

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

   I'm not saying my girlfriend is thick, but we had a gas leak and she put a bucket under it.....

   I far too sleep deprived, my hemorrhoids are flaring up, my farts smell minty, and these Mentos taste like glycerin. What's going on?

   Just passed up an invite from the USA hockey team, to bring the gold in 2014. After checking my calendar, I have a hair cut appointment that conflicts.....Dammit!

   when I die at my funeral I want to be dressed like I was when I was born , butt naked !!! open bar for the lads , open coffin for the ladies !!

   Selling his soul for a bag of skittles.

   Looks good on the dance floor, dancing to electro pop like a robot from 1984

   now that the Winter Olympics are over, the rest of the world can go back to forgetting that Canada even exists...like Luxembourg. Remember them either? Nope.

   I want a search engine that will tell me where my keys are.

   ...just got back from embarrassing himself in front of the Queen. She really doesn't have any idea what a "tea bag" is, and now I'm not allowed withing 1,000 meters of her...