Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.

   Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you

   In regards to Tiger Woods press conference a few days a go, I'm staying tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   The problem with your face is that it looks like you.

   -- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....

   What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single!

   wondering if IHOP is going to sue Apple for copyright infringement?

   Apple admits it used underage kids to make iPhones, iPods and Mac computers. All I've got to say is...DAMN fine job, kids.

   thinks there should be a day called masculinity awareness day, where a man must do something manly, like fight a bear, eat meat, or write a poem about his feelings... then burn it!

   I like to hide in the clothing racks at department stores and while people are browsing yell PICK ME! PICK MEEEEE!

   I use Facebook for the people I know. I use Twitter for the people I wish I knew.

   And then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

   Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

   Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

   's night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil

   read that Pat Robertson claims all the snow on the East Coast is God punishing them for Jersey Shore.

   I think I am going to donate to Haiti and Chili as much as they donated to us when we were struck with Hurricane Katrina…… oh that's right that would be nothing! No one came to help us, and we still haven't finished cleaning up form from our natur

   seize the moment! Remember all those people on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart...

   sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins