Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

   wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

   been trying to remember the name of that disease that causes baldness, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

   I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he's fully recovered now.

   I came, I sawed, I yelled "Timber!"

   And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

   If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.

   on the 8th day god created beer to keep Canadians from taking over the world

   ATTENTION: Law Enforcement Officials need everyone's help!!! Police are searching for a thief who splashes gasoline on his victims and then robs them by threatening them with a lighted match. The Authorities want to catch him before he strikes again.

   can see through your clothes. Mood: disappointed.

   Wife comes home and says "What would you do if I won the lottery?" "I would take half and leave your ass!" "good I won 12$ here's 6$ now get the fu$k out!"

   Don't piss on my boots and tell me it's raining

   women dont fart until they get married

   "The next part will be difficult. You will be taken. So, can I borrow your car for like 3 days?" (Liam Nuisance)

   Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough.

   muliple personality disorder and schizophrenia. No we don't.....WHO SAID THAT?!!!

   I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.

   There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.