Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mother Nature, hey, thanks [sneezes] for choosing POLLEN for plant reproduction....no, really[sneezes]....the stuff is great.....

   I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.

   wonders who is good at following directions. everyone press ALT + F4

   Pull my finger... THEN RUN LIKE HELL!!

   Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off!... anyone need a hand??

   was considering divorcing my wife today, as she hasn't spoken to me in 4 months, a friend told me to reconsider as women like this are very hard to find

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   going bar hoping with Tiger Woods & Ben Roethlisberger.

   found out that due to global warming, the oceans will rise 5 meters in 5 years.I have concluded that garry coleman will die

   Will watch the Movie : 2012 in 2013

   akin it all day thinkin "dang I must look good today, everybodys checkin me out"! Come to find out...I've had a half eaten candy cane stuck to my butt all day... thanks kids!

   strived his whole life to become wise. When I accomplished my goal I realized it was a big mistake because now I have to put up with idiots.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   my steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding, consequently I have been led to masticate upon this dictionary.

   My son is on 11 months and can't talk but sometimes I think it's fun to imagine what he would say if he could... like this morning; I imagined him saying "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster

   Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

   has just realised that I've been walking round the office with my flies un-done - that would now explain the 38 female friend requests then

   told that he had great potential but applied himself innappropriately. To my responce....Thanks?!