Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're not living on the edge,you're taking up too much space.

   pissed when I wake up in the morning and dont feel like P.Diddy.

   Monday's are like bowel movements. Sometimes they pass smoothly and sometimes you have to get in, sit down, shut up and hold on!

   Announcing that your parents used to be cool hippies who went to Woodstock is probably not only a lie, but it also does not change the fact that they have a loser for a child.

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself… especially when that something is Proctology.

   fun facts of the day: Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks, all of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20, and Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

   IT ME OR WHENEVER YOU PULL OUT A PACK OF GUM EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY YOUR FRIEND??

   I just bumped into a guy wearing a camouflage jacket. I really didn't see him.

   I dont have an attitude you just get on my damn nerves....

   that was one nasty hotel , They stole MY towel

   from a real tough neighborhood. he bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

   i hear you know how to satisfy your wife in bed, yeah,you leave the room.

   You wanna have fun? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two

   gonna be the new poster boy..... for birth control

   Morning without coffee is like sleep.

   I love school.......its the quizzes, tests, and homework I cant stand!!

   Heading out to do laundry with a roll of quarters in my pocket. I hope I dont run into anyone I am happy to see.

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   just read about that student who had sex with his teacher....he died from high-fives.

   On the road to my Happy Place. Too bad it is jammed with traffic.