Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!

   messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...

   girls have unique powers they get wet without water, bleed without an injury & make boneless things get hard.

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   hates doing laundry and wishes her clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves

   ...didn't even know that Lindsay Lohan was addicted to milk. I thought it was crack...

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   two ways to get friends you never knew you had, join facebook and pull out a pack of gum!!!

   just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   it was once said that corey haim couldnt act the part of a corpse, way to show em corey, way to show em.

   R.I.P. Corey Haim.Lost Boys Forever.1971-2010

   If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

   I'm excited for the one day of the year when green's meaning shifts from saving the environment to polluting our major organs

   Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

   OVER all the Toyota jokes already!! We got the point weeks ago. Please start thinking of a new failed device to crack on...cause the repetitiveness is quite frankly effing annoying....Thank You!!

   It's costing taxpayers $85 million to send out census reminders...BRILLIANT!

   Lohan now suing mozilla "FireFox" for alledged misuse of her other feisty alias "FireCrotch"