Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

   wondering if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

   Today is hump day right? so how come I havent been humped today??

   thinking about taking up golf to cure his sex addiction...if it worked for Tiger...

   I think this new diet may be a little too strick. I actually look forward to paying bills because I get to lick the envelopes.

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   says Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

   The difference between women and batteries is that batteries have positive sides.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.

   What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.

   So put that in your juice box and suck it!

   I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls.

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   on the toilet pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean!