Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just decided to fire her personal trainer. It wasn't working out.

   saying, some people.... need a daily dose of... shut the f**k up!!!

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons.

   Happy Alcoholidays

   going to pounce on you like a spider-monkey on crack

   mutilating a Foreigner song, just to be an a$$. "He's a juice box hero, with straws in his eyes!"

   I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask "Mother,what was war?" -Eva Merriam.

   Being called beautiful is miles better than hot or sexy..

   Not surprisingly, slow-cooked Leprechauns taste just like corned beef!

   it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

   Dear haters, you cant fully find happiness if you cant just leave me alone to be happy

   Damn my liver just pinched my ass,dosnt this green beer count?

   Sarcastically Delicious!!!

   YAWN so I can see if you're the one...

   gave an atheist a bible today, he just couldn't believe it.

   Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?

   wearing his traditional Irish none-derwear!

   If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

   Do not get me near any electronics or appliances.. apparently I turn on EVERYTHING !!!