Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   the man your man could smell like.

   Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?

   if you're gonna be a smart ass, atleast try not to look dumb.

   The Playboy Channel accidentally aired on 2 kids networks. Kids were shocked to learn just how much “exploring” Dora was into

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... I CAME, I SAW & I CONQUERED... MY WORK HERE IS DONE... NOW PUT THAT ON MY RESUME!!

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   coming down with a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!

   When one person suffers from delusion, it is called insanity.When many people suffer from delusion, it is called religion....

   will be weed smoking and turkey pulling this weekend... oops! reverse those verbs!

   just pressed her refresh button, but still feels dirty.

   his HOME button must be broken. I keep pressing it but I'm still at work.

   If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.

   let me get this straight -------------------------------~ Damn! So close

   Could you put some creativity in your pics. Nobody wants to see you make the same face 8 different ways.

   Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

   in a relationship with Bud Light and her liver is in a relationship with Jager Bomb, which gets complicated when we all hang out together!

   an aphrodisiac!

   would like to say on this last day of Winter. Winter, Kiss my Mother F*#$ing A$$ and DON'T HURRY BACK!!!