Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.

   well Obama just signed the Health Care Bill... I'm making sandwiches and moving into a storm cellar.

   When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at flooring?

   I'm in a quite room with a bubble in my tummy.......... I wonder if the bubble is shy and quite or loud and ghetto.........stay tuned to find out!!!

   the last thing you'll ever do is die..... It's true, just wait and see

   knows that her house wont clean itself, but thinks that it really should make the effort!!!

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   Hey! I said no pickles! That's it...I wanna speak to the frigg'n McManager!!!

   in the mood to push someone down the stairs hit them over the head with a fire extinguisher then bury the body under the garden patio

   Enough With The Poking, Lets Just Have Sex

   I pledge resistance to the Czar of the Divided States of America, and the Communism for which he stands. One Socialist, without God, divisible with healthcare and welfare for all.

   Because of The Hangover, the way I say "retard" has forever been changed...

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   hiding hulk behind his zipper!!!

   why is it whenur watchin a movie and some one says"dude did you see that" no I payed $6.00 to sit and watch the floor

   A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

   Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a blog post about procrastination.

   wonders if retail stores in Afghanistan have a hard time taking inventory because of the tally ban.

   hopes Rush Limbaugh remembers to squeeze his fat a*s aboard Oxycontin Airlines and leave the country like he promised, now that health care legislation has been signed into law.

   Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.