Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can kiss better then I can cook

   Good friends are like bras...close to your heart, and always there for support

   is experiencing fact that "having jalapenos once, will burn you twice."

   If it wasn't for my superior willpower, I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   hates that the jeopardy theme song is stuck in my head. Its giving me a false sense of anxiety!!

   dropped it like it's hot BUT before it even hit the ground....caught it like a cold...WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

   What do you do if your about to die in front of a candy store? Eat a life saver :)

   i feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket orrrrr something!!!!

   I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed in the morning. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

   you spin my head right round, right round..but thats a good thing, it was outta wack from checking out that guy ;)

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   Watagatapitusberry!

   can't seem to remember to forget you

   turning japanese

   have you ever slept so good you couldn't wait to do it again as soon as you woke up?

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.