Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   if you were a status....i`d like u.....!!!!!

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time

   Have you ever said goodbye to someone before a long trip or even to leave somewhere for good, but you end up having to come back moments later for something you forgot? Does it make the original goodbye lose all of its sentimental value? Just wondering...

   i walked in to my local hardware store after work a member of staff asked if I wanted decking, I quickly got the first punch in before he had chance

   -- I come from a long line of Conga dancers.....

   Have you ever been on an elevator talking to someone (about nothing top secret really) and when anyone else walks in; everyone shuts up? Such a strange phenomenon...

   ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ YIPPEE!!

   thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?

   ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

   ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

   dont forget to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm turning mine back to 1970 when we had no illegal immigrants

   Time for spring break!! *̡͌l̡*͡͡͡ ͡I _ ͇๐ےﮯ̡ *

   Go to Google. Type in "Ewmew Fudd". Click "I'm feeling lucky". You're welcome.

   ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬♪♫ Rock On \,,\(^_^)/,,/

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   If everyday is a gift, then where's her reciept. She would like to exchange Monday for Satruday

   ★ just call me tootsie.. because you know how I roll ★ - Magean Brents