Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   ahh young love.Full of promise,full of hope.Ignorant of reality.Not all guys can turn into vampires n watch you sleep at night..am jus sayin.

   tends to seek forgiveness later rather than ask for permission now.

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   Research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.

   If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"

   No one is listening until you fart.

   I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   just had a moment of genius, a chocolate Easter bunny that is filled with the Cadbury Cream Egg filling......YUMMMM!!!

   doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   me and my husband been happy for 20 years. And then one day we met.

   I'm not lady gaga but I too want to take a ride on your disco stick

   noticed a friends facebook status said that he's suicidal and thinking about jumping off a bridge. So I poked him

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.