Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   In my office there's a light switch that doesn't do anything... Every so often, I turn it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Stop that!"

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   issuing a warning ,Red Bull will not give you wings

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

   would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...

   Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me...

   Law of Study Leave: As per some equation, The rate of days nearing exams is directly proportional to The no. of things in life that get more interesting day-by-day!

   I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.

   ATTENTION VEGETARIANS: If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat

   I'm still looking for a girl that can get aroused by the sound of a hard drive spinning down

   I don't think I'm better than others, it just so happens that so far, statistically, I am

   drinking music...most easily available drug...:)

   "mmhmm" is equal to "yea yea I still dnt believe ur ass" .......

   I just heard that the Facebook network is currently down, but this does not affect you as nothing would go down on you...

   sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea and somethin called relationships....