Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It amazes me how there are over 5 billion people in the world, yet a person can be so lonely at this time of night.

   "when one door closes, a window is opened"....just my luck, it's on the second story!!

   Did you break wind as well? Because hopefully a wind will blow you off of this page. Nobody cares about your bodily gases. Thank you.

   Dear Rain, thanks for washing away the yellow flower sperm that "skeeted" on everything.

   I think "Fo Shizzle!" should be an answer on The Magic 8-Ball.

   If Pokemon is making a comeback... I want to bring back Pogs!

   Tiger Woods is doing so well at the Master's, you might think he was cheating!

   has served enough burnt offerings at dinner that my husband is beginning to think he's a god.

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......

   So my mom just got her citizenship and she wants to change her name to Bunny!!? WTF. I'm dreading the day when I have to introduce her to my fiance. Mom seriously just keep your 10 letter hard to prounounce Asian name!

   ah yes nothing like waking up today sneezing my a$$ off only to look outside to see my clean van covered in a nice yellow layer of plants' sperm.

   ::Phone rings:: Hello Russia... yeah its USA. Hey wanted to know if we could hitch a ride up to the ISS next month on your shuttle..... Oh, ok, yeah, we understand..... Sure, maybe next time. No worries, we'll find another ride. =/

   I'm turning 40 tomorrow. My new pose pics will be the "cougar claw", no more peace signs for me.

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   so since Obama is president, does that make it an obamanation?

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on, fml!

   GOOD for these men cheating. Maybe their wives should be taking care of bizniz @ home!!!

   Breaking News: Tiger Woods withdraws from the masters after the first hole. At a news conference he claims he dropped out because he's a one hole man now......

   Make sure your car windows are working properly when you decide to let a big one out.