Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is in the bathroom yelling "could smebody tell this bathroom scale that april's foolsday was last week" nd am thnkng thts scary!

   wondering why they call it Joy dish soap when people hate to wash the dishes?

   You would think when you offer someone gum they would take it, but no some don't...maybe next time I can just hand them a toothbrush ad toothpaste and they will get the message!

   I'm way too cool for you boy, that's why it will never work...

   has done his bit for the environment today by switching to natural gas. It was the best bowl of beans I've had in a while.

   "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...

   We need to have a man to man talk! Well if not man to man, mustache to mustache at least

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop.

   was listening to the word abolishionist today used in the news, so I invented a new word that I am....an "Obamalishonist"...... me likey soooo much !! LOL

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Tom & Jerry Poster! Grow up!!"

   Ever wonder if you ordered something online, forget what you ordered and get mad because it still hasn't came yet?

   An elephant to a naked man 'how do you breath through that thing'

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   hates allergy season!!! currently OD'ing on Allegra

   Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

   Two mancode violations to report this week: caught a guy reading his horoscope out loud to his friends, and caught wind at work that one of my friends rode on the back of another guy's motorcycle. Flagrant.

   a doctor goes into work one day and asks his secretaryif it was wrong to have sex with his patients. runs him out of office and screams "OF COURSE UR A VET!!!

   says the difference between ORAL SEX & ANAL SEX,,,,,,,,,,, ,, is ORAL SEX will make your day but ANAL SEX will make your hole weak.......

   wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, young body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords

   it is really satisfying to know, now that my 2 year old is almost done with diapers, I will probably be the next one that needs them...