Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you lady from the "Help! I've fallen and can't get up!" commercials. Thank you for making me laugh with your comedic genius!

   Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.

   If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   joke of the day: So this doctor goes into work one day and asks his assistant if it was wrong to have sex with his patients. Horrified, she runs from the office and screams "OF COURSE IT IS! YOU'RE A VET!!!"

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   U love someone and you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes ur wife and the one you love becomes the password of your email

   ..doesn't understand people who say "by now.." As in "by now you should have children,.by now you should be married..by now you should.." Sorry but if "by now" i'll "pay later".

   It amazes me how there are over 5 billion people in the world, yet a person can be so lonely at this time of night.

   "when one door closes, a window is opened"....just my luck, it's on the second story!!

   Did you break wind as well? Because hopefully a wind will blow you off of this page. Nobody cares about your bodily gases. Thank you.

   Dear Rain, thanks for washing away the yellow flower sperm that "skeeted" on everything.

   I think "Fo Shizzle!" should be an answer on The Magic 8-Ball.

   If Pokemon is making a comeback... I want to bring back Pogs!

   Tiger Woods is doing so well at the Master's, you might think he was cheating!

   has served enough burnt offerings at dinner that my husband is beginning to think he's a god.

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......