Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   Every piece of chocolate I ever ate is getting back at me..desserts are very revengeful..they make sure you land up in the gymjail and weep!

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   Just in, Angelina Jolie is gonna adopt another child she just came back from SARAJEVO BOSNIA she got a new son MUJO JOLIE PITT.

   persuade the Canadians to take back Justin Bieber like they have already taken our gold medal.

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, NOT with a red head.

   had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Nancy Pelosi. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire

   Wonders if Old Macdonald has a Farmville addiction...

   wonders at what point in a proctologists life do they decide, 'When I grow up, I want to be sure everyones a$$ho!e is puckered up and functional!"

   went to the sex shop to get a new toy and is now very disappointed. I picked the big red one featured on the wall., and they told me to pick another one. Supposedly, that was their fire extinguisher...and here I thought it was just cleverly named!

   wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber

   says "Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt I ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?"

   Did, we REALLY need a Karate Kid remake????

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !

   I don't know about you, but somehow I feel slightly disturbed watching the trailer for the new Karate Kid. Seeing Jackie Chan beat up a bunch of ten years olds somehow makes me feel like I should call somebody or something.

   not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.

   If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

   Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.