Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words

   BEER - Helping white men dance since 1881.

   Kids buy breakfast cerial the same way men buy lingerie for thier wives. They buy something they care nothing about just so they can get at the prize that's inside.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown

   given up trying to understand the Indian project manager. If I try it causes migraines.

   going to get a tattoo that says "Live Without Regrets", and have it spelled wrong.

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.

   Why does my bf have to lift up his leg everytime he's about to fart!?

   you can get whatever you want in this life if you have self confidence,determination...and an AK-47 wz unlimited ammo..

   Says: He may wear the pants.. But I CONTROL The Zipper!! hehehe!

   did you cheat? ... No I opened the book.

   don't look at me in that tone of voice

   Drama Queens/Kings, Hypocrites, two-faced, exaggerators and fake people can all be found on Facebook!!!

   Looking for the six-fingered man!

   just broken down and listened to a song by Justin Beiber. I've got the phone on vibrate for the rest of the day since I just stabbed both ears repeatedly with a ball point pen.

   Sometimes "dressing for the job you want" is referred to as "impersonating an officer".

   Don't call me sugar, call me Splenda. I'm artificially sweet.

   Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, "Good evening ladies.

   Cremaster muscle- the muscle that raised the testes when cold. Sumo wrestlers can voluntarily move this muscle to protect themselves.