Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ricky Martin has answered the question, "Are you gay?". But for many, another question remains: "Who's Ricky Martin?"

   I wonder if the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks by claiming all his appendages were "elephant-sized".....

   Sarah Palin probably thinks Obama's drilling plan doesn't go far enough in terms of wrecking the environment.

   Just ONE Saturday night I'd like to go without drunk-dialing Barbara Walters.

   According to Apple, 300,000 people did not have sex this weekend.

   If aliens landed & saw Glenn Beck, they'd be like, "Oh, he has a show here too?"

   It's is time for a Facebook Friend Trust Test...Stand up and fall back and I will catch you. By the way, the Facebook Trust Test will be immediate be followed by the Facebook Moron Test.

   My parents were very patriotic disciplinarians: they laid stripes and I saw stars.

   survey: Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   picking all the W's out of their M & M's, gosh, there's just so many! :/

   To all the single mothers out there.......KEEP YA HEAD UP, cuz ain't no man worth your time down there....

   If you're not living on the edge you're taking too much space

   Dishes done....check.....laundry folded....check.....kids in bed.....check. And my wife says I am emasculated! Maybe I should look it up in the dictionary to see what it really means....

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?

   Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up and unplugged the computer.