Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earthquake in Mexico. 50,000 dead. England sending money, France sending food, US sending Replacement Mexicans. Pack your sh!t up, you're going home.

   thinking people need to quit quoting Steve Wright he wasnt funny the first 50 billion times we've heard it

   The first person who had hiccups must have been scared $hitless

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

   Sorrry Facebook I trusted you manytimes I will not tell you what s on my mind anymore you keep tell people my secrets

   given a choice at birth a big penis or great memory!......... I cant remember what I chose

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

   I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

   I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

   the proof for darwin's theory.

   Its a beautiful day out. The sun is out, the birds are out and Ricky Martin is out

   Every once in a while you should get a check up...on who your real friends are.

   enjoyed how Ben Roethlisberger decided he needed to look like Jesse James at his press conference!

   KFC's new Double-Down sandwich was just introduced for $4.99...For an extra .99 cents a KFC employee will cut out the middleman altogether and lean over the counter and stab you in the friggin' heart!!

   why do people think it's necessary to pose with alcohol in facebook pictures??? It was original the first dozen times.

   getting a 1 bedroom apartment and a cat in May. Or, as I like to call it, the "Serial Killer Starter Kit."