Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why kiss....when you can tell her lips a secret.

   this is the promised land." Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and bankrupted the promised land.

   Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Then about 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.... I could really use a wish right Now. B.O.B

   Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   I'm a pc and Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

   saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?

   I love burritos at four a.m. Parties that never end. I love quarterbacks eating dirt Pom-poms and short skirts And...and twins!"

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine....

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.