Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   If a book about failure doesn't sell, does it become a succes?

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'

   took his ex out last night... only took one punch.

   listen up men, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

   Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! We have a conundrum. Search for paper... and bring me a rock.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   life's a b!tch, then you marry one.

   did you know that the following first letter of the months: july, august, sept, oct, and nov. it spells out "JASON" ?

   did you know that the word "bed" looks like a bed itself?

   I dont get when people say "I remember my first beer".... Cause I sure as hell dont..

   I can read minds... Youre reading my status right now arent you..

   There are no Puerto-Ricans on Star Trek...It appears they don't work in the future either........

   The jersey shore cast is dumber than a 5th grader..

   wonders who's bright idea it was to shut down facebook chat for maintenence -___-

   "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas...except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you"

   I'm out like Obama in 3 years. Nite all!

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

   Thinking about starting a new diet, it's called the "Sight Unseen Diet." If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

   Larry King's wife is accusing him of cheating on her. "Yeah, get in line," said Death.