Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking about starting a group called "Just let me put the head in". Who wants to become a fan?

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   I've just drank Gatorade.. still waiting to sweat colors...

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   eyjafjallajokull? that's honestly more of a drunk status update than a volcano.

   Support your local record store today, because you can't roll a joint on a download b*tches.

   I'd be lying if I said I didn't like Nickelback. I'd also be lying if I said I'd be lying if said I didn't like Nickelback.

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

   when we see the rainbow in the sky is it because this is the time for gay people to celebrate their queerness