Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.

   Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   decided to try the P90X workout with a co-worker and realized just a few minutes into it that it was going to kill me, Damn I'm getting old

   Remember, every girl you meet online is actually a guy in real life, and every kid is an undercover FBI agent.

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   Dear iPhone, I'm pretty sure I meant to spell "b*tches" not "chubies"

   ofcourse I love women and have an undying respect fo 'em. , .they rate way up on my priority list . . right after measles,chicken pox and broken legs

   Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken

   It make me happy when I can teach my phone dirty words. T9 b!tch.

   addiction takes commitment

   I got a gun for my wife.....the best trade I ever made

   Wondering “if a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” then “what brings all the girls to the yard?”…well whatever it is I'll have a glass of that!!!

   According to the segment on American Idol's "Idol Gives Back", they just showed $10 was able to purchase 90 lbs of food. Where do these people shop? I can't do that at Wal-Mart, Kroger, or any other place.

   thinks that "beer" might be the real magic word. Forget about "please" (unless, of course, it is following "beer"...)

   Girl, you are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts

   saving money and not getting the iPad .Instead I bought a magnifying glass for my iPhone..

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.

   Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

   Its my day to protect and Serve. Protecting the donuts and serving the coffee is my specialty.