Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Super-genius Stephen Hawking has warned we may NOT wanna be sending out signals to contact aliens as they may not be so kindly towards us. It makes me wonder...does world government already KNOW about aliens and the reason we have a huge overabundance of

   I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

   always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

   I was once challenged my own reflection to a staring contest. On the fourth day I won!

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   watched JAWS backwards last night - it is a good movie about a SHARK that puts a boat back together (with it's mouth) and puts people on the boat, and then throws-up people until they open the beach!!!

   Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican

   always wondered why people with no teeth often buy the most expensive toothpaste.

   I'll tear down the stars and I'll give them to you. They're not as pretty as your eyes, but I guess they'll have to do.

   it just me or is it that flying and crawling insects enjoy getting sprayed on with can aerosol insecticides and watch you get frustrated while they pretend to die.....

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   Life is a b*tch, but she's totally "do-able!"

   if court experience is a must for Obama's Supreme Court selection... I say go with Charlie Sheen

   Don't push me! I will be forced to engage in a combat sequence, that should only end with your demise.

   You know its time to cut your finger nails, when your scrathing your balls and they start bleeding.

   Jeff Gordon vs. Jimmie Johnson...I love it when DIVA's fight!!

   when I hear a person say "My Mom didn't raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"

   anyone else as shocked as I am that a relationship between a cage fighter named Tito and the world's most famous porn star ended with domestic assault and accusations of drug abuse?

   I cant stand people who look down on people that look down on people

   throwing acid is wrong, in some peoples eyes!