Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   What did the blonde get on the I.Q. test? Nail varnish.

   What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick it's bill up it's arse.

   went undrafted again, despite a solid 40 and great hands!!

   so smart she makes smart people feel retarded.

   my son informed me this morning that they no longer call it "Old School". It's now known as "Lame". If he wasn't my kid, I'd have thrown my Walkman at him....

   How come when a man doesn't shave for a few days, it's considered "sexy stubble" but when a woman doesn't shave for a few days it's "disgusting or looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock"?

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)

   ...is wondering if some other horse went all "Tonya Harding" on former Derby favorite Eskendereya... 

   thinks that the Waltons take way too long to say good night!

   Life without chocolate is like a beach without water.

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me...

   Justin Bieber should be treated like AM radio and nobody should ever listen to them...

   Dear Patron, now that you helped me gain my confidence, can you please help me find my car?

   What is a wedding tragedy?. . . To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!!

   My new study method for finals is put a question on the outside of a beer bottle and the answer at the bottom

   ''Viva La Rasa''..what the hell have I just said!

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.