Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When in doubt, mumble.

   People are posting all their feelings on facebook; well you wanna know what I'm feeling… I don't wanna hear about your sh*t!!!

   I drink everyday that ends in “y”, I sleep everyday that ends in “y' I wish I could say the same about sex!

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.

   waiting for Pam Anderson to fall out of her dress on DWTS!!

   players never die, they just try their luck at a different table

   can't wait til Chad Johnson gets kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens so I don't have to read peoples' status updates about him...

   Facebook people often post things far too personal. That occurred to me while in line at the druggist getting Anusol.

   An Iranian cleric is blaming earthquakes on promiscuous women. He's only partially correct. For the ground to move, she needs to be on top.

   Awww! Isn't that sweet. Everyone's so in love... excuse me while I regurgitate.

   I'm so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members

   I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a toga today.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt

   Back before clocks and calendars I bet people used wonder why one day out of seven always sucked

   I Dont know what annoys be worse?!! The viral fake group chain messages I get in my FB inbox or the Fact that some of you Dummies respond to them like your gonna get a Reply Back!!!

   THE lOHANS ARE BETTER THAN ANY FAKE REALLITY SHOW!!

   Thank You Mr. Edible Underwear Maker: You combined two of mans favorite things Panties and Food. They're a snack, they're underwear, they're a snack AND underwear. Brilliant! Nothing says, "I want you" like a mouthful of underpants!!!!

   Men..can't live with them..can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors getting suspicious.

   It is hard to believe someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in their place.