Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "NO STRAW...STUPID McDONALDS DRIVE-THRU JA..oh there it is.

   I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   How do you identify Dolly Parton's children at a party? They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.

   calling the Secretary of State to notify them he will no longer be carrying an ID; People should know who he is!

   Turning his beds into bunk beds so that there is more room for activities

   Shh! You never know who's listening....(although if you have a wireless microphone from a tv news station clipped to you, you should at least suspect that someone's listening)

   ....if you watch too much TV and become fat as a result, does that make you a TeleTubby?

   if quitters never win and winners never quit.....who is the idiot that came up with quit while you're ahead?

   my penis is so big that if I layed it out on a keyboard it would go from A to Z......wait! SH*T!

   APPARENTLY, when watching children, it's 'bad' to throw scraps of food and water down on the floor so they can fend for themselves. I don't really understand the problem since I tied they're leashes to the table leg so nothing bad would happen!!!

   Just hired an body guard from an African tribe untouched by civilization.....not sure what he's doin but my friends keep disappearing.......But these steaks he makes are AWESOME!!!!

   my daughter asked me, who is that boy on American Idol? I said his name is Ellen Degeneres

   south africa is the only country that will host a world even in a sport they cant play

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   -- Liking your own facebook status is like a bloke congratulating his hand after a w**k!

   Wishes you the best of luck in life!! Everyone else already knows your screwed!!

   Was at a pet store when a gerbil went "WOOF", then I noticed a gay guy behind me!!

   Tough decisions... Beat off in the shower and waste water or use Kleenex and add to landfill? What can I say? I love Mother Earth and big t*tties!!