Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got my Sketcher shape-ups now I'm gonna get in shape without ever going to the gym

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   Interesting Factoid: Tall people earn $789 per year per inch more than shorter people.

   wondering if pediatricians and children's dentists play miniature golf on Wednesdays...

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   Erectile disfunction commercials make watching TV with your parents akward!!!

   Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality!

   Life is like an iPhone, it's only as fun as the apps you have downloaded!!!!

   When I looked out from my house, there were no cars....no people around, and my neighbors driveways were empty. It was quiet.......too quiet. Of course you would be thinking the same thing as I was..........that's right...Zombies!

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   I almost forgot I cheated on my diet until my wife found panties in my truck!

   Instead of Facebooks asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "Where's the beef?"

   getting bored with Dear Diary, oops she means Facebook. Just because facebook asks you "What's on your mind?" doesn't mean you have to answer, if it ask you to jump off a bridge would you do that to?

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...